After a whole year of rest from cruelty, I found myself in a flashback of horror and trauma when the scene started. For some reason, the screaming, yelling, and patterns seemed to affect me more than it did last year. As part of her workshop, we also did exercises to loosen our vocal chords and be free and dramatic with our movements. Kayla had us stand in a diagonal line and create a chorus of sounds and movements in a procession like dominoes falling in order. On some rounds, the eerie harmony and strength behind our voices and movement were really creepy. I don't think there's any other way to describe it. To finish it off, we did our own short production of a cruel version of "Little Miss Muffet". In hindsight, all that yelling and flailing was exhilarating and relaxing. Even if it did sound scary as hell.
Analysis: Somehow, I was able to work past the raw emotions and stay in place as we did those exercises. When we started the Little Miss Muffet though, I worried about Karen, that maybe she might want to step aside and refrain from participating. She stuck all the way through though, and I wonder how she was able to endure it... The vocal exercises we did in that diagonal line really helped in becoming freer. The louder we yelled, or the quieter we got, we really gained control over our voices and we were able to use a controlled yet wild tone of voice in acting. It was effective in that we were able to find certain pitches that fit or sounded the "right" amount of cruel. There was a 2nd exercise that I think defined more control in our voices. Kayla had me read a poem aloud on repeat and she would command me to speak "louder, louder!" or "softer, softer, softer". Then I'd have to immediately adjust my volume to match. I knew I could be loud but I had no idea I could get so soft. This workshop helped in our Muffet performance when we would gradually crescendo into an almost climactic mood or dramatically diminish our presence, all with the use of voice.
Reflection: I learned Theatre of Cruelty can be my method of therapy. Maybe not all the time, but once in a while, it's almost an excuse to let out your pent up feelings! It felt really uncomfortable but devilishly enough, there's a part of you that says "hey, this is cool - lets go with it" and keeps you in the theatre.
It has almost a paranormal vibe which surprises me most that I was able to enjoy the workshop. I hate watching paranormal or horror shows, movies, anything. I guess I jumped on this with full determination and it paid off. When I reflect back on it though, I feel like I didn't have to step out of my comfort zone as much as the amount I had to for the monologue of Kate. Maybe it was because we were all being weird and freaky together that I didn't think I would stick out and thus, didn't get too self-conscious. It's amazing how Marian can put herself into any character and absorb herself into it. I think we created a pretty good theatre of cruelty performance, especially without any tools nor much time. If I ever participate in a performance of cruelty later on in life, I'd definitely try not to be afraid of including my raw emotions in there, especially since Artaud emphasizes so much that the spectators feel the raw emotions of a performance. They should leave the theatre feeling confused but more importantly, tense. The only way to go in this practice is up, as in improvement. By not reaching the end goal, there's nothing that's really negative or sacrificed. As a group, we really worked well together. We brought together our different styles and hidden cruel sides.
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